Thursday, 26 June 2014

How to become an actor by Haydn Davies

Acting is a very hard thing to do and luckily not everyone can do it. Luckily I can do it really well so I'm here to tell you how it's done. If you follow my advice then you will be a grade A actor, trust me when I say I know from my own experiences that this is exactly how you become a actor. You can follow these steps and become a great actor but if you don't then that's fin e don't worry. Ok then here is how you become a good actor.

Step 1: Learn To Act

Learning to act is the hardest thing in the world bu tthe best thing that you can do to learn how to act is just watch loads of films really. If you want to be in an action film then you've just got to watch Jurassic Park or Con Air, they say loads of well good lines in those films and you can adapt in this role really easily. If you want to become a better actor though watch some horror films like HARRRY potter. Harry Potter is a really scary film, it's especially scary when Ginny Weasely says a line because her acting is fucking terrible and I wish she was dead. (SHOT by a load of homeless dudes in an alleyway). Acting in plays is different to acting in films because plays are a live thing so if you want to act really well in plays then I would suggest that you look at all the different facial expressions that people use and fucking read their expressions because life is basically live and acting in a play is actually acting like you are in real life but you are not.

Step 2: Lifes A Stage

The best way you can be a good actor is to act as though life is a stage init. So like, when something happens at a party you have to really really over react all the time like it's the biggest event in the world. I'll give you an example: if someone calls you a cunt then you have to act as though Hitler has just come back from the dead and had sex with your wife so that loads of people will look at you and give you all sorts of attention and things like that. Also vomiting in the toilet is a really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really big deal so if someone does that then they are not your friend anymore and they are not a fUCKING actor.

Also you should talk about sex all the time.

Step 3: If all else fails, you could always just become a porn star.

Hello, my name is Haydn Davies and you are reading this post in 5 years time, you are a failed actor and you have given your life to cocaine and depression. Are you worried? Don't worry, cause in life there are always second options. In reality style porn films they act all the time and it's always really good acting, plus it means you get to have sex all the time and if you've followed my advice in step 2 then you'll know that it'll help you to do that, you can even mention that it was filmed and you were getting payed for it as well and everyone will think you're really cool I promise.

Step 4: You may want to be an actor but you won't be a better actor than Jim Carrey

Jim Carrey is the best actor the world has ever seen and he's original in absolutely every single film he does, so bear that in mind when you are trying to act.

I can't be bothered to write any more so this is it goodbye.

Sunday, 19 January 2014

1000 Views baby

Another important milesstotne for me hey hey hey.

Tune in for stuf.

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Haydn's Nice Poem

Hi guys here is a poem I write and this morning hope you like it.

I got up this morning and it was beautiful
I got some bacon and it tasted beautiful
I looked at the sun and it was bright as well as beautiful
I looked at my Crash Bandicoot CD and it was also beautiful
I looked at my bottle of Bulmers Pear and it was indeed beautiful
I curled one out in the toilet and that was beautuful
I yelled at the neighbours cat and it was beautiful
I went for a piss in the shower and that too was beautiful
I chundered in the back seat of my mothers car and that was beautiful
I took some Class A drugs and it ultimately ended in beauty
Then I realized I was a pretentious little shit and went back to bed.

by haydn davies

for the rest of my work go and see your doctor and take a shit on her door.

Sunday, 29 December 2013

Politics Presents How to life your life

A lot of people come up for me on the streets and ask me what the hell do you do for a living Haydn. I always say to them that to them that I am a life coach and I also always say to them that I am the worlds most number 1 pick up artists.

If you wandring what pick up artists is then you have come to the right place. Pick up artists is not where you just pick up a girl from teh streets like a crane or something but it is where you go up to a girl and you tell them yourt best chat up line and they go all shy then they want to have your number but if they don't want to have your number within your first line of chat then you force them to have your number by the power of mind-rape a.k.a manuplulations.

Today I will be talking about how 10 tips on how to absolutely live your life and this is how you do it motherfuckers.

Tip number 1. Don't ever be yourself infront of a woman.

If you be yourself infront of a woman then this is the worst possible thing that you can do. The girl will think your are week and will hate you and will most likely want to kill you in your sleep or put some drugs in your coffee then whatch you die. Always act like the opposite of your personality, e.g I am a relaly nice guy and stuff but if I saw a tasty looking gink (gink is anotehr word for woman by the way, never call a  woman a woman because they are not womens init). I would behave like a complete DICKHEAD TO HER AND SHE WILL LOVE IT CAUSE SHE WILL THINK OH MY GOD THIS GUY IS BEING A CUNT HE DOENS'T GIVE A FUCK.

Tip number 2. Never just have a normal conversation with a WOMAN.

 Think you can jsut sit down and be normal with a woman? THINK AGAIN. If you are talking to a woman and immediately if you talk and you are nice to her then you are in THE FRIENDS ZONE. This is a zone where you don't not want to be in because it basically means that you can't have sex with them caus they are your friend. THEE IS NOT POINT IN BEIGN A FRIIEND TO A WOMAN. They are only good to look at and to have sex with them. I should know because i have had sex with about 2000 different women, and each time i did it it was definately really intimate and full of passion and trust.

I have run out of ideas because I can't be bothere d to think about this anymore but I can't even think that I've covered everything. Hope you  have enjoyed the read and it was an excellent time writing this.

Tune in next week when something will happen.

Sunday, 14 April 2013

700 Views Baby

Hello,
My blog has reached 700 views today and I don't know whether to laugh or whether to cry or whether to just do what I planned to do before I realized. So to celebrate this here is another post for you to enjoy.
See you around.

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

How to avoid having an argument about Margaret Thatcher.

Hello guys I have been reading The Daily Mash and I thought it was really funny article that they said "How tot avoid talking about Margaret Thatcher" so I thought I would do my own version. My views are that I am happy that she is dead because everyone is smiling and my mum keeps on crying and stuff about it but they are tears of joy not sadness so I am happy that my mum is happy and if Maggie Twatcher's death makes everyone in Scotland happy and my mum happy then I am happy about her death also. Unfortunately (big long word) lots of people will not agree with my views and will call me a idiot so I've made up about 10 points on how I will avoicd getting into these arguments with people.

1. If somebody says "She saved this country" then I will get my phone, start at them directly in the eyes and do a Barack Obama face like this:

2. If somebody calls her "The Iron Lady" then I will divert the conversation to something that intrests me and I will go really crazy and mental about the topic until they get really engaged.

3. If somebody says "The Forklands war was her finest hour" then I will get a fork and throw it at them so it hits them or their friend in the face then they will be in alot of pain then they will hopefully forget about what they were talking about before the fork incident.

4. If somebody says "I will dance on her greave" then I will go to the bar at the pub and buy a pint and a packet of crisps.

5. If someone says "Think of her friends and family" then I will run my hand between my fingers and then get a drink.

So there you have it. Loads of people will be debating and trying to stick up for this women but if everything I heard about her is true then I think it is ok to be happy that she is dead. Sorry if this subject is a bit taboo but I don't give a shit.

Until next time,
Goodbue

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Rihanna is a shit and can't play music

Rihanna is a shit and can't play music and I know this is true because I was walking down the streets with her one day and I asked her can you play music and she said no so then I got Chris Brown to come along and punch her in the face.

In all seriousness Rihanna is an absolutely terrible musician who really isn't good at all, I saw her live on this T.V show and she was singing so badly that it didn't even look like she was singing, she stole everybody's belongings after the T.V show and got home and when she was at home she used them all and laughed at what she did. She is a fucking slut.

I hate her and you can't say you haven't met her so how can you say you hate her Haydn, because I met her at a festival and she told me to fuck off then one of her security guards came up to me and threatened to stab me in the chest. This is a true story.

Sorry this post is a short one because I really need a shit so goodbye.